Life has been turning up the dial on my “lessons” these days. Somehow all my unresolved issues are floating up to the surface and demanding my attention. I chalk it up to my work on self-love finally taking root deep within the core of my being.
It’s intense, and wonderful, too. Here’s an example of how my inner beliefs are popping up and calling out for my attention:
Last week I had a doctor’s appointment for some blood work (nothing serious, thank heavens). I found a parking spot right outside the office and, knowing the wait typical of doctors’ offices, I put the maximum amount of money in the parking meter kiosk to get a full hour of parking on my ticket.
As it turned out, I was in and out of the office in 10 minutes. (A miracle – lol!) As I was about to get in my car, I saw a man at the parking kiosk, and I quickly called to him that I had a ticket that was good for another 45 minutes that I didn’t need, which he gratefully accepted.
Here’s where it gets interesting:
As I gave him the parking ticket and turned to go back to my car, for some reason, this time I actually heard my deepest innermost thoughts. They went something like this: “Great, I’ve done a good deed – I just need to tally up enough good deeds and I’ll get a good deed in return.”
I heard myself think that, and another part of my mind shouted:
“Stop making deals!”
And I burst into sobs.
Nothing wrong with doing nice things, it’s just that my deal-making came from such a place of lack, such a place of sorrow. My “inner deal” was that I needed to keep adding up good deeds in order to “merit” something good happening for me. I had to “earn” a good turn, and the rate of exchange was about 20 (mine) to one (universe).
This is a remnant of my past.
As a child, I labored in the hope that “my turn would come.” It took me half a lifetime to realize that nobody else was in on the silent bargain I made as a child, and nobody would “give” me my turn.
The hope of earning “my turn” kept me going, then. It was a survival strategy.
But no more. With gratitude, I release that limiting belief.
The universe is asking me: Which side are you on?
Do I believe that I need endlessly toil in order to receive a measure of goodness? Or do I believe that I am a unique and wonderful child of G-d, whose birthright is abundance?
We all must make a choice. Which side are YOU on? Do limiting beliefs run your reality? Or do you believe in your own deservingness?
I come down on the side of self-love.
“No more deals!”
I will still be the same generous person. I’ll still pass along unused parking tickets and gently worn clothes, I’ll still care for the earth, and I’ll still help old ladies cross the street, but I will do it out of my love for my fellow man, not as part of an inner tab to rack up enough points to “buy back” a favor.
I choose my model of life as an ocean of abundance, and not as a penny pincher coupon book!
Our actions matter, and cycle back to us tenfold, but our intentions matter even more. My giving was calculating and constrained, and it showed in what I received as well.
As you give, so shall you receive, as you sow, so shall you reap.
Like a grateful soul standing in awe of the ocean, I stand ready to receive magnificent abundance. Blessedly, this abundance is so far beyond my calculations, that I can only give thanks and receive.